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 First Continental Congress This is Samuel “Fake War Correspondent” Liberty, reporting that, surprisingly, the colonists are mad again. More shocking details! They held a meeting. Geesh, I can’t even make a joke about this crap. What’s up with that? Anyway, the First Continental Congress was a meeting of colonial leaders worried about British/American relation, which, due to the Boston Tea Party, which wasn’t a party, are pretty darn bad. They wanted to report the facts about the state of the colonies to Britain, which were:
Life sucks. To encourage leaders, Patrick Henry said a quote, which happens to be my favorite: “…give me liberty or give me death!” Cool, huh? Well, many rebels thought so, too. In time they shall be christened Patriots, now a common term for someone who supports liberty. So, now the fighting begins, with… The “Shot Heard ‘round the World” Time to bust some caps! Yeah! Not yet? Dang! Well, the night Paul Revere made his ride, local minutemen, or farmers ready to fight on a moment’s notice, took up arms and went to battle. When they arrived, the two armies faced each other and someone fired the first shot of the revolutionary war. After forcing a British retreat, the patriots repeatedly fought the redcoats, British soldiers named for their coats. Time to fight! EVOLUTION OF THE REVOLUTION Now, for the Second Continental Congress. This second meeting of leaders was the first example of a Republican government in the colonies. They started to form new constitutions. Then, the Massachusetts state militia started the Continental Army, which actually was not the whole continent, just New England. This was led by a Virginian farmer George Washington. Oh, yeah we’re gonna win now, we got a farmer leading our army! The most significant Early Battles was The Battle of Bunker Hill. It actually took place on Breed’s Hill. What idiot made that mistake? Was it your mama? This battled mostly involved the British getting the crud blown out of them. Strangely, the rebelling rascals lost, due to the use of ammunition as firewood. Just Kidding! They were short on supplies, and had run like cowards. They then caused the Brits to run like cowards from Nook’s hill. The battle of Dorchester Heights lasted about 3.7901 seconds. Things were looking good. We might even win! That’s it for this issue. Next issue will be even weirder, I hope. Well, this is Samuel “Weirder than Thou” Liberty, retreating to my sponge-padded room.
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